Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I Got Bugs

It's summertime and while the livin' may be easy, mosquitos are now out in force. And the One Man Invasion hates mosquitos. Mosquitos and flies actually. While in the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave one can simply hide behind windowscreens or shut oneself off in air conditioning, said options doesn't exist in Romania. Also if you want to spend time outside, you need to find a way to keep the bugs off you. "How?" you ask. "Click of the below link," we say.
The Consumerist has a post on how to repel mosquitos which is semi-helpful. What's really helpful are the comments:
'There are three natural essential oils that work well (lemon eucalyptus, neem, and catnip)...Catnip has a substance called nepetalactone that is a proven insect repellant. I use two teaspoons of it in a four-ounce spray bottle of fractionated coconut oil, which makes it spray well, has enough to do a good job (I could probably cut it in half), and smells pleasant (kind of vanilla minty).'

'The mosquito sees you as one big carbon dioxide factory. The CO2 detectors can find you as soon as you exhale. What you need to do can be simply found at your neighborhood ice company. Dry ice. Dry ice is literally just frozen CO2. As it melts it turns straight from a solid to a gas. This gas is pure CO2 at MUCH higher concentrations then we exhale. The trick is to just get a brick or two of these and just put it in a bucket at the edge of your yard. Mosquitoes go to the source of the most CO2 and leave you alone. Been doing this for about 20 years and we never have to worry about zappers, chemicals, candles, etc.'

'I still love those blue-light bug zappers. and for all those naysayers who claim they kill beneficial bugs too: go out into the woods and tell me if there aren't way too many damned bugs in the world. boo-hoo.'

While all of these methods sounds nice and innovative, we are for the one that kills the most bugs. Kill 'em all, there are plenty to go around.

Monday, June 18, 2007

We're Smart

Recently the editors of American Heritage Dictionaries released a list of 100 Words Every High School Graduate - And Their Parents - Should Know. The editors, in their hubris, must feel that their position as editors gives them an omnipotent power over the vocabularies of all high school graduates, not just our most loquacious ones. The One Man Invasion understands that nerds might use these words, but to winnow down the best of the English language to a homogeneous set of 100 big words is simply, well, gauche. The new style is inclusion; big words that sounds nice at a Sotheby's auction are just as good as the words used at a Chamillionaire concert. So let's not kowtow to the totalitarian reign of these dictionary tsars and embrace the lexicon of the yeoman.


Ichiro Suzuki

With all the quality baseballers coming from the Far East, the One Man Invasion is reeling trying to keep up with all of them. The OMI has been a bit removed from the nation's past-time and with so many in the big leagues, we're struggling to differentiate between Oguchi, Wang, Matusaka, Okajima, et al. The one guy we do know is Seattle Mariner Ichiro Suzuki. The best of the imports from other side of the Pacific, Ichiro is not only a Hall of Fame player, he's also a Hall of Fame quote machine. His inability to speak English probably contributes to this as we're sure something is lost in the translation; regardless, the stuff that comes out of his mouth is pure genius. Here's a list of his best (thanks to Go Figueroa):
On how he convinced himself to get a hit: "Yesterday when I played, inside my head I said 'I want to go home quickly,' and I swung and I was able to get a hit because I wanted to go home," Ichiro said through a translator. "Today I thought, 'I want to hurry up and get something to eat,' and I swung and got a hit today."
On breaking out of a hitting slump: "Yesterday, I ate two ice creams," he said through an interpreter. "Usually I only eat one."
On the city of Cleveland: "To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to," Ichiro said through an interpreter. "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."
On coming to the United States to play in the MLB: "When I came here to play, I didn't know where I would be or where I wouldn't be."
On fans at Wrigley in Chicago: "Before the game started, the fans were nice and polite, and that was nice," Ichiro said. "But after the game started and they started drinking beer, lots of beer, their personality changed. And that was fun for me to see."
On the life philosophy: "I have many different Ichiros inside me," he said. "I'm always one of them. At different times, I have different personalities."

Friday, June 15, 2007

Going Green on the Pitch

When running up and down the soccer field, the One Man Invasion was normally too busy looking for an opponent to kick into the air than to think about the destruction we were wreaking on the lovely grass. Thankfully for all you soccer-playing treehuggers out there (and there, unfortunately, are many of them), there is now a way to play soccer and actually help the pitch. Designer Daniel Wilhems recently created a set of replaceable studs that release a small dose of fertilizer from each stud with each step. The design won some contest in England for new sports stuff. Other winners include a wannabe Segway, clothes made from tree bark and a goggles-cam. The world is now safe.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

I Am The Captain

Some more of Romania's finest manele. This one from manele superstar Nicolae Guta. This is not a joke and the unintentional humor of this is almost off the charts. Note the paintball guns, the dancing girls who can't dance and the awful music.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Announcer's Stupidity

Philadelphia Basketball

From a Bill Simmons column:
Jared B. in New York wonders, "I don't know if you've mentioned this, but did you ever look at how many guys are on the payroll for 2006-07 for the Philadelphia 76ers and not playing for them? They are paying Chris Webber, Jamal Mashburn, Todd MacCulloch, Aaron McKie and Greg Buckner. For a total of $45 million, too. There has got to be some kind of conspiracy theory here how Billy King still has a job."

This has led the OMI to wonder: "What would be Billy King's first decision if he was to be president of the United States?"
Our best guess is that he would do something like declare America back on the gold standard or something equally disastrous to economic policy. Your best guess in the comments.

Serendipity Now!

Now that the power of the American military has proven itself to be quite fallible, especially when guided by supreme idiots, the One Man Invasion finds itself left with only economic might to crow to sorry foreigners about the supremacy of the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave. Being the highbrow, high class blog that we are, we would rather let the macroeconomic facts speak for themselves and not resort to the tactic of opening our wallet, flashing our big bills and yelling, "See! See! Look how rich Americans are!" Thankfully we can now stop as the macroeconomic facts have been presented to us in perfect form. The folks over at Strangemaps.com have created a map which renames each American state for a nation with a similar GDP to the respected state. No prizes for guessing which super-awesome state Romania matches up with.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Two Years and What Have We Learned

It's been two years in Romania for the One Man Invasion and what have we learned? Other than the Romanian language and that turkeys can't be walked, we can't really think of all that much at the moment. Skimming through a couple years' worth of blogs certainly jogged our memory but the most definitive guide to life came from Vice Magazine. The Vice Guide to Everything provides us with such wisdom as the Do's and Don'ts of conversation (talking about dreams are a def don't), jokes (have a few but don't be a goddamn showman) and booze ("Ideally, men only drink beer. That way, when you are kind enough to get a round, you don't have a bunch of L.A. faggots saying, 'I'll have a raspberry vodka with a splash of Citron and a fucking lime' or whatever."). So check it out and be learned.


One Man Invasion friend Clint Hensley is a wonderful fantasy sports manager but unfortunately those skills do not save one from broken bones. As a final time waster assignment for his students, Clint had them make a short film in English. Clint's entry (see below) was to feature him taking a staged, short fall for a reason yet to be explained to the OMI. As you see, the short fall turns into a stuntman worthy tumble down a hill.

for his troubles, he got a broken hand