Wednesday, December 20, 2006

How the EU Will Steal Christmas

When Romania joins the European Union on January 1 many throughout the country will rejoice, others aren't so happy. While economic opportunity knocks, cultural tradition gets knocked down (see what we did there?).
Beginning in 2007 strict EU rules regarding the animal cruelty, booze making and corpse handling will become law in Romania. These rules which put the kibosh on Romanian traditions such as slaughtering a pig by cutting its throat and selling cheese wrapped in goat intestines on the side of the road. George Margit, speaking with London's Telegraph said it best. "I thought when we joined the EU we'd get lots of benefits and freedom," said Mr Margarit, 40, a railway worker. "But what does freedom mean if I can't slaughter my own pig in my back yard?" Also you must ask yourself, "what does freedom mean if I can't keep a corpse in my home for longer than three days?" or "what does freedom mean if I can't produce 100 proof brandy in my home?"
While the One Man Invasion will be disappointed to see these traditions prohibited, we want to remind you that we're talking about enforcing rules in Romania. The OMI highly doubts that next year's Christmas pig will be killed by a tazer, temperance groups will sprout up and all food will be inspected. Honestly this is just a disaster waiting to happen and unless Romanians start being more careful with their food, a serious problem could occur.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

On Iverson

With Allen Iverson having cleaned out his locker and the Philadelphia 76ers having lost eight on the trot, the One Man Invasion has given up on the 76ers present, leaving the future to predict and the past to be fondly remembered. Predicting the future is easy. The Sixers will make a trade and get less than what Iverson is worth in the form of players and draft picks. The players will be a study in mediocrity and the only salvageable part of the trade will be the picks. Unfortunately, Sixers' GM Billy King is a moron and the picks won't balance the trade. Actually, King will probably trade the picks away for Derrick Coleman and Grant Hill, rewarding the two with giant, long term contracts. Within weeks, if not days, the trio of Chris Webber, Coleman and Hill will fall to pieces as all succumb to the injuries that have been plaguing them for the better part of the decade. The 76ers will be stuck with the contracts and the three will join Jamal Mashburn in Montego Bay sipping martinis and cashing checks signed by Billy King.
Since the future is officially dismal, the past is all that is left for us. The Awkward Toad has a vid of Iverson's 10 Best. Below is our contribution.

It's simply unacceptable that Iverson never did play with someone worth a damn. He is one of the best players of his generation and, arguably, one of the 50 best of all time. His best teammates were Dikembe Mutumbo (who couldn't score), Chris Webber (a injured shadow of his former self) and no one else. The 76ers front office should be crucified for wasting a player of his talent. With hope wherever Iverson goes next he will have an all-star to play alongside. The same thing happened with Charles Barkley. One of the greatest stuck condemned to play alongside mediocrity for his Philly years. Unfortunately, the same is happening w/Donovan McNabb as the Eagles refuse to spend all their cap money and therefore lack a solid offensive line and a marquee running back. Philadelphia sports, ugh.

Monday, December 11, 2006

The Invasion Continues...

...and we're bringing some friends. Ziarul Financiar reports that imports of Jack Daniel's will increase in 2007. BDG, Jack's importer, estimates the sales volume will grow by 30-40% next year which can only be good news.
Following Jack Daniels is the US military, natch. The military, mainly the Air Force and the Army, will take over a Romanian air base in Constanta this April. About 1500 troops will start training there with the US gov't dropping $34 million on base upgrades. Human Rights Watch has singled out the Romanian base as a possible location of a clandestine CIA jail, but Romania has repeatedly denied involvement. Troops from the Alabama Guard trained at the base last year and gave $3000 to an area orphanage. The OMI's Alabamian correspondent couldn't be reached for comment as he is glued to the television awaiting the announcement of the Crimson Tide's next football coach.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Turkey Eat

To be completely honest, Thanksgiving dinner provided a rather weak ending for the saga of the turkey. It was stuffed, cooked and eaten. That's about all there is to it. Most of the day was spent preparing the meal at the three different volunteers' homes. The Invasion's home took care of a turkey, potatoes and other stuff. Kenny's spot did a turkey and some stuff. Mara's place took care of pies and carrots and some other stuff. The OMI's lack of specificity is due to the fact that we had nothing to do with the food prep. On occasion we were called on to go to the store and pick up some stuff, but most of our time was spent setting the table and walking to the different homes and eating the food they were preparing testing for poison.
After the meal, we all sat and watched Borat and laughed riotously, particularly at the first scene. The village is sooo Romanian and when Borat's 'wife' yells at him, it is a glorious string of Romanian profanity which we all understood. Plenty of photos were taken, see for yourself.
for the pies

ready to eat

battle of the wishbone

all the pies

too much food

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Autographs

Before the Invasion was rampaging on foreign soil, the OMI was a young boy who was hooked on baseball, the Baltimore Orioles and baseball cards. Weekend days were frequently spent sorting, resorting and trading baseball cards, and on occasion the One Man Invasion would send a favorite player a card and a letter asking for an autograph. In hindsight, getting someone's autograph is a pretty silly thing, but that's what kids do. Adults don't do silly things, they do stupid things because, frankly, adults should know better. The Invasion sent out several requests for autographs but only the great Mickey Tettleton and pretty good Jerome Walton were good enough to return my card with their precious John Hancock. Apparently former Phillies pitcher Don Carman recently stumbled across a box of fifteen year-old fanmail and has started answering the letters. The story is on Slate.com and it's a great read for any kid who collected cards and longed for the autograph of any ballplayer. That said, the One Man Invasion is still waiting for Mike Devereaux to respond.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

FBI, TSA, Airport Security, Bomb Sniffing Dogs, all for...

The One Man Invasion believes itself to be one of the new media's most august and upstanding members, but from time to time (read - always) we feel the need to indulge our inner child and mine the depths of our immaturity (ed: which are as deep as the Marianas). With that disclaimer out of the way, shall we get down to the story of the year? Indeed we shall. From WBIR Knoxville-Tennessee:
Flatulence brought 99 passengers on an American Airlines flight to an unscheduled visit to Nashville early Monday morning.
American Flight 1053, from Washington Reagan National Airport and bound for Dallas/Fort Worth, made an emergency landing here after passengers reported smelling struck matches, said Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority.
The plane landed safely. The FBI, Transportation Safety Administration and airport authority responded to the emergency, Lowrance said.
Bomb-sniffing dogs found spent matches.
The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal body odor, Lowrance said. The woman lives near Dallas and has a medical condition.
The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane.
"American has banned her for a long time," Lowrance said.
She was not charged but could have been. While it is legal to bring as many as four books of paper safety matches onto an aircraft, it is illegal to strike a match in an airplane, Lowrance said.

Please leave your fart flatulence 'body odor'/'medical condition' themed jokes in the comments.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Turkey Kill

While obtaining and transporting a turkey was no small task for the Invasion, we didn't even break a sweat killing, defeathering and cleaning our future dinner. The simplicity was all due to the fact that we had absolutely nothing to due with the process. In fact, the OMI wasn't even present at the sacrifice to the Thanksgiving gods killing. The mother-in-law of a friend did all the work for us as she was the village butcher in her working years. Donning her #45 jersey, she came out of retirement for us to do the deed. Thankfully, the Invasion's colleague Mara Miller was present and captured the glorious end to our once difficult friend.
the weapon

the feathers

the butcher

overstuffed (see the undigested corn pouring out)

plucked and headless

cleaning up in a bloodbath

Next step is cooking. Unsurprisingly the Invasion wasn't really involved in that one either. To be continued...

Monday, December 04, 2006

Nerd Alert!

With the release of PlayStation 3, one would think that life couldn't get much better for geeks across the world. Well for Canadians nerds, it has because a Japanese maid cafe was recently opened in Toronto. The i maid cafe is basically a place where the waitresses are dressed like anime characters, act subservient and probably say things like, "You, Mr. StainlessMonk, are greatest and mostly manly gamer I have ever seen, tee-hee."

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Sports

Many things have been said about sports. Many of them have been stupid, and in John Madden's case, they have been downright moronic. Regardless, sports are probably the greatest thing ever after food and booze and since they all dovetail quite nicely, it sometimes just makes the world seem to be a perfect place. That said, here is some sports goodness from the Invasion to enjoy. Cheers.
From The Onion Sports:
Bill Walton Spends Entire Lakers Broadcast Gushing About His Son

"I've had to overcome a lot of diversity."
-- Cavaliers forward Drew Gooden on the ups and downs of his NBA career
Philadelphia's Best and Worst of the recent past
"Because there are no fours."
-- Antoine Walker when asked why he shoots so many threes

"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
--Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
--Jason Kidd