Thursday, April 28, 2005

Oleck, You've Been Bested

Although dozing off while deuceing and falling off the toilet is quite an applaudable achievement, Mike Oleck's claim to fame has been bested by a drunk limey. Britain's Daily Mirror reports a man fell asleep on the toilet towards the end of a rugby match, waking up nine hours later. The stadium had been cleared and locked up for the nite. The man had to call police to let him out.

No Fart Zone

Houston's City Council enacted an ordinance on Wednesday aimed at keeping the homeless out of libraries which they were using to sleep, eat and bathe in. Specifically, the ordinance bans 'offensive odors' from libraries. Let this be a warning to Jake Czerwin all chronic breakers of wind to, in the words of William Hohman, 'get your farts out' before entering Clutch City libraries. Also upon entering Houston, Shane should be kept from all McDonald's.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Saturn and Shatner

Recently, the Cassini spacecraft performed a flyby of Saturn's moon Titan and found the moon's upper atmosphere filled with complex organic matter. Although Titan is a tittly bit nipply (-290 F), scientists believe the moon's atmosphere may be similar to that of a primodial Earth, yielding clues to how life began. Admiral James T. Kirk of Starship Enterprise could not be reached for comment as he is working on a follow up to his masterpiece, but his publicist referred us to another web site where he comments upon everything various and sundry. Kirk's reply can only be called absolutely pure genius (just make sure your volume is turned up). God bless his soul and damn Khan's.

more intimidating, Montalban's eyebrows or pecs?

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Don't Cry for Me Ecuador...

Lucio Gutierrez, the deposed president of Ecuador, recently fled Quito w/his family and was granted asylum in Brazil. Why Brazil, you ask? Big booty hoes, the Invasion answers. Shockingly, we're not right, although we suspect Gutierrez isn't telling his wife something. Have you seen Mike in Brazil? Anyhoo, Slate breaks it down for y'all. Check it out and feed your brain.

Why Brazil grants ex-prez of Ecuador asylum

Monday, April 25, 2005

Slow Ride, Take It Easy

A man was arrested last week in Statesboro, GA after he asked a cop for a ride only to be busted b/c he was rolling w/two small bags of weed and he also had outstanding warrants for possession of ganja. The AP reported that the cop searched the man for weapons before giving him a ride only to find the contraband. Link to the story

In related news, friend of the OMI, Matthew Witham, was recently arrested in Williamsburg, VA for trying to solicit a police officer for a ride home. Witham had been (heavily) drinking at a local bar and after leaving he crossed the street to get a cab home. He proceeded to bang on the window of the closest cab to get the driver's attention, but unfortunately it was a police cruiser and he was arrested for drunk in public. On top of that, Witham puked in the drunk tank and had to be moved to another holding cell for the remainder of the evening. Also, rumor has it that at the bar, he was mooning people as he was leaving. Shocking behavior from such a distinguished gentleman.

the moon man and the mick 

Penthouses and Basements

With the baseball season in full swing, the OMI glanced at the standings this morning and smiled ear-to-ear. Sitting atop the AL East are the OMI supported Baltimore Orioles. At posting time, the O's (12-7) lead defending champ Boston by one game and overpaid douchebag Yankees by 4. Led by suprise of the season Brian Roberts and an unheralded pitching staff, the O's have 3 games in Boston this week, so check in on the midweek to see how they fared. The other reason for our grins is the fact that the Fightin' (a losing battle) Phillies have made themselves a home in the basement of the NL East. With an important early season series this past weekend in Atlanta, the Phils predictably responded by curling up in the fetal position as they took a beating, losing all 3 games. The Phils next 6 games are against division opponents, so look for them to be out of the playoffs in record time this year.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Repent Ye Sinners

The Apocalypse looms! The Invasion's Hollywood connections have unearthed a true sign of the end of days. Ryan Seacrest, house douche for American Idol, has been honored for his work in radio (?) with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. No, that sentence was not one long typo either. In truth, the stars are paid for, literally, so if you can find someone to pony up a few grand, you can join the club. Seacrest also hosted a talk show that was cancelled after 9 months and has coined one of the gayest phrases in the history of television. The Wikipedia has a great entry on Seacrest. Go to Defamer for the article about his induction. Then realize that a total douche is making way more money than you and is knee deep in la punani.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Embargo On

Eleven people were arrested last Saturday in San Antonio after they surrounded a tanker truck on a highway while recreating a scene from the cinematic classic Mad Max 2: Road Warrior. The 11, armed with fake machine guns, were en route to a Mad Max Marathon which was cancelled after the arrests. In related news, I was basically with Jake all day Saturday, so he does have an alibi. I can also report he has lethal farts.

Crazy Mad Max Fans

Friday, April 15, 2005

Put on your High Heeled Sneakers...

...'cause we're going to the beach. Tonite marks the beginning of the Delaware Music Festival in Dewey Beach. Featuring over 60 bands on 6 stages, the festival is one of the few places in Delaware where you can rock out to original music. The cover-loving douches who swarm Dewey won't be down there b/c it's still the Spring. Also, today is Tax Day, so after paying Uncle Sam, some real partying is in order. But the real reason to check out the festival is because at 11:40 tonite, Delaware's finest band and Invasion fave, The Relay takes over the Rusty Rudder. If you're anywhere in the 48 contiguous states, the OMI highly recommends catching this act. Russell Deimer III of Music Maniac Magazine wrote, "This band makes me want to live again," and Neil Kremer's guitar play has been described as 'exquisite' by some very important people. If you go, try to find the goateed fella with the shaggy hair, he knows where the after party is, amongst other things. Look for pics next week.

Also, if you're in Alabama, go see The New Lows in Mobile. They'll make love to your eardrums...with their music that is, I think.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

What's in a Name?

This week, online 'zine Slate is posting two excerpts from Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Anything. The excerpts both address the economic factors behind babies' names, and one of the excerpts concerns itself with the impact of giving a child an obviously black name (DeShawn, Uneek, Kunta, etc). It's pretty interesting stuff, but to be honest I was pretty skeptical at first, until I saw the sidebar showing the whitest and blackest boy names. It validates the entire article. I won't ruin the surprise for you, but check out the previous link. It'll solve many of life's mysteries and provide more than a few laughs.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Straight Booze for the Queer Tongue

After another weekend of heavy drinking, the Invasion has decided that alcohol maybe mankind's greatest invention or discovery, whichever it is (discuss amongst yourselves). Just try to imagine a world without booze, go ahead and try, it's a bleak picture. With that in mind, the Invasion is pained to see the loss of manliness in the booze game. Drinking, like society in general, was once the bastion of misogyny, but unfortunately, again like society, its lust has been lost. Appletinis, low carb beer, and rehab a just a few examples of how far we've come since the days of lawless saloons and unchecked alcoholism. Apparently, the crew over at has had enough. Simply titled 10 Manly Drinks, the article gives us a list of, well, 10 manly drinks that you can slug away at without a hint of shame. Bottoms up.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Paging John Connor...(part 2)

We can rebuild him. We have the technology. 

Wednesday in Bukkake Fukuoka, Japan, the Hakata Police appointed a robot as its chief of police for the day. The robot, T63 Artemis, throws colored balls at those acting suspiciously. The OMI's sources say Arnold Schwarzenegger has recorded several lines for the robot and has expressed interest in using the robot in an upcoming movie. When reporters expressed concern that criminals could overpower the robot, former Hakata Chief of Police Clancy Wiggum-san said, "I don't see how anything could go wrong, especially since we switched the colored balls with hand grenades." In other news, the actors who played the T-100 and T-X were seen outside the police station looking for jobs. Seriously, where have they been?? Link to the full story below.

Robot Appointed Chief for a Day

The Eagles have landed

Last Monday, the Invasion headed north to Philadelphia to catch The Eagles of Death Metal. Joined by compatriots Jake Czerwin and Todd Gebhart, the Invasion rocked the scene drinking $2 PBR bottles all damn night. After the eardrum crushing concert, the Invasion & co. stuck around to chill with the band, for the second time. To top it off, Jesse 'the Devil' Hughes remembered us all and mentioned his disappointment that we didn't call last time with a place for him to play in Delaware. Needless to say, we were stunned, but this time the Invasion made sure to get the Devil's cell phone number and not that of his manager. The phone number is indeed his as well. All in all, another bang up night. Plenty of other pics as well, just use the link to the right.

that, ladies and gentlemen, is rock and roll 

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

More Fantasy

With March Madness over, we know you're lost, wondering where the next Invasion-sponsored fantasy sports league is coming from. Well, look no further comrades because the OMI has started a fantasy baseball league. The Long Schlong League holds its live draft this sunday at 9 pm. If you'd like to join the league, the Yahoo League ID is #316294 and the password is 'poop'. Don't join if you're gonna be a deadbeat owner. See you on the virtual diamond. Link to site below.

Yahoo Fantasy Sports

...and the winner is

Todd Gebhart! In outwitting and outlasting all other competitors in the Free Booze Here fantasy March Madness Pickem league, Todd has proven that one need no knowledge of college basketball in order to win a pool/fantasy league. Although Todd was unavailable for comment at post time, the Invasion imagines he'd say something like, "I'm just glad I beat Witham, take that you bastard. You're not better than me!" Or something along those lines. Anyway, congrats goes out to Todd and his masterful picks.

Shocked he actually won, of course no money was involved. 

Monday, April 04, 2005

Southern Delaware Political Update

The Mayor of Frederica, DE (pop.700) has been arrested for the fourth time since he was voted into office. The Wilmington News Journal reports, ambulance driver and mayor, William "Chick" Glanden struck a man with his car on March 22 and will be charged with reckless endangerment amongst other things. Glanden is also going to trial on April 5 for slapping a resident in the face...the same guy he hit with his car!! Town council had voted in October to suspend Glanden, but he won a restraining order allowing him to keep his office. His other arrests stem from disputes with a neighbor who he also slapped around.

people actually voted for this man 

Oh e Oh

Legendary cartoon rockers, The Beets, have reunited on the internet. The Beets have a profile on that features a few of their hit songs including "Killer Tofu" and "I Need More Allowance". When reached for comment, Doug Funnie cried tears of joy. "Doug has been waiting for this day a long, long time," said Funnie's wife, the former Patti Mayonnaise. "Once he stops crying, I'd imagine he'll call Skeeter any second now." Roger Klotz and Asst. Principal Lamar Bone could not be reached for comment.

The friend's name is Skeeter 

Who Will the Coreleones Back??

With the passing of Pope John Paul II, the College of Cardinals will pledge vote on a new pontiff in the coming week. Although Michael Salterelli (bishop, diocese of Wilmington) or Greg Corrigan (father, Saint Mark's HS) are not in the running, Slate breaks down the leading candidates in the race for the pontificate. Feeling lucky? Check out the faves and lay down a tenner at Irish betting site on who you think will be riding high in the Pope Mobile. Nigerian Francis Arize and Italian Dionigi Tettamanzi lead the pack with 11-4 odds. Watch out for a Latin American cardinal, the Invasion's Vatican spies hear good things about our hermanos, or padres for that matter, from those countries south of the Rio Grande. Give your prediction in the comments.