Thursday, March 31, 2005

When Men Were Men

Between tirades about the genius of Joe McCarthy and the treachery of 'slant-eyed sneaks,' Pappy always said, "they never make things like they used to." And while the One Man Invasion does in no way support commie bashing or persecution of the yellow man, we must agree that dear old dad was right about he third one. Like the song says, 'one out of three ain't bad.' Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, the good old days when things were made right. What's that you say? Ford Pinto, the Titanic and Sega CD? Whatever, let's not split hairs. Regardless, the OMI knows a sure classic when it sees one, and with no further delay, we nostalgically remember...Oregon Trail, one of the greatest computer games ever. Fording rivers in your wagon, bearing the harsh conditions of the Great Plains, and killing entire buffalo herds even though you can only carry back 200 lbs of meat. God damn what a game! Thanks to Busted Tees, Oregon Trail has now been rightfully immortalized in t-shirt form. I'm tearing up just remembering my days yearing for the Willamette Valley.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

It's Ro-mania!

Looking to join me on my trip w/out the hardship of leaving the world's only superpower? Romania is just a hop, skip and a jump away in good ol'Philadelphia. Those of the religious bent head over to the Holy Trinity Romanian Orthodox Church on 732 N. Bodine Street. For you heathens out there, skip the God squadders and move your ass to the Romanian Folk Art Museaum. Boasting "the largest European folkloric artifacts collection in the US," the museaum features costumes, pottery, furniture, and a full Transylvania interior. Current exhibits include 500 Easter Eggs: Tradition and Culture and Transylvania Furniture. Looks awesome and it's oh so close to home.



Classic Transylvanian Furniture 

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Behind the Bench

An end of the bench white dude in the NBA has started his own behind the scenes blog. Paul Shirley, forward for the Phoenix Suns, is chronicling his time with the Suns, revealing that dudes on the end of the bench in the pros do the same shite bench warmers everywhere do: check out hot chicks, go to Interpol concerts instead of preparing for games, and basically eff around. Shirley graduated from Iowa State with a degree in mechanical engineering, so he's a absolute genius by NBA standards. The brutal honesty and humor with which Shirley approaches his situation is refreshing and goddamn hilarious. Check it out before he gets shut down by the Man.


Paul Shirley's Road Ramblings

Friday, March 25, 2005

I'm Just a Crosshair...

Master thespian and dear friend of the One Man Invasion, Todd Gebhart, is taking the acting world by storm. Deciding to skip the whole starving actor thing, TBird has already secured a professional theater gig while still in school. Beginning May 13, you can see Todd on stage at the Philadelphia Theater Company's production of Tony award winning play, Take Me Out. In this play, "sports and sexual politics collide when a star baseball player 'outs' himself in a press conference." Thankfully, Todd does not play the role of the homo, or else I'm not sure this behavior could be condoned by the puritanical OMI. If you go, just make sure to leave the kiddies at home, just read the NOTE at the bottom of the summary and you'll know why. And by the way, the latter part of the NOTE does indeed apply to Todd. And I'm not joking. From all us here at the Invasion, three cheers for Todd, you've done well.

Old Cell Phones = $$$$

Have an old cell phone that's just sitting around taking up space? If so check out OldCellPhone.com. These people will give you anywhere from $1-$100 for your old cell phone, as long as it's on their list. Check it out, it can't hurt. Better yet, ask to recycle a friend's phone and make some cash.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Paging John Connor...

The creator of Palm Pilot, Jeff Hawkins has started up a new company to model computer memory after functions of the brain. The company, Numenta, plans on using "hierarchical temporal memory" (seriously, wtf?) to make a computer function like the neocortex; the neocortex being the brightest and most newly developed part of the brain...duh. Here's a link to an excerpt of his new book On Intelligence: How a New Understanding of the Brain Will Lead to the Creation of Truly Intelligent Machines. Just make sure to strap on your thinking cap before you read this. Needless to say, I will be hording weapons in my basement waiting for SkyNet to take over command of our nation's nuclear weapons.


Check out BoingBoing.net for more.

Catch the Wave

Is it me or do you think Windows and it's components completely suck balls? If I'm running more than one program (AIM, IE, ITunes, freecell), I can't go for more than a few hours without Internet Explorer breaking down. IE has basically driven me nuts, so when I got a new computer earlier this week, the first thing I did was to download and install Mozilla's Firefox. Firefox is all the rage and has been declared "better than Internet Explorer by leaps and bounds" by Forbes Magazine. I takes a little while to fully take advantage of all its coolness, but this is soooo worth it. It's also freaking free, so get it and laugh at the losers who still use IE.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

That's with an 'R'

Stumbled across a cool thingy the other day. If you've got a image that you'd love to see at larger-than-life size, just head to Homokaasu.org/rasterbator and Rasterbate your image. The Rasterbator takes normal images, blows them up, then cuts them up into little pieces so they can be assembled to recreate the original. The end product can be up to 20 meters tall. Amazing what you can find with a simple typo.


Looks like Jake already found this out. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Photo Hunt

Useless photos courtesy of moi have now been posted online. See link below. Martinique and random college-era shots to be posted relatively soon.


Photos on Parade

Weekend of Mayhem (and Madness)

With March Madness officially beginning this Thursday, One Man Invasion has decided to participate in some of his own: Field trip to the Outer Banks anyone? (indifferent murmurs from crowd) No? Then how about, field trip to Outer Banks for a bachelor party? (wild cheering) That's more like it.

With former 92 Jerk, Jeff Skinner getting married sometime in the near future, forces of nature have conspired to throw him a party. Start with the One Man Invasion and add to the mix fellow 92 alumni Spencer Long and Nate Danforth and we're in for quite a weekend. Don't forget the 150 pound pig and 'other' forms of entertainment (titties holla). Look for pictures on Monday.

Monday, March 14, 2005

True Genius...only appreciated post-mortem

Haven't posted in a few days because I've been sitting in my room with the shades drawn trying to drown my sorrows in a mix of tequila, sake, and Jameson. Still, my depression lingers and I barely mustered the strength to make it out of bed and to my computer. In case you didn't know (you insensative bastard), the winners of the 5th Annual Bloggies were recently announced and the One Man Invasion was simultaneously shut out, left at the altar, and kicked in the groin. Multiple calls to my therapist/grief counselor only resulted in several "you'll get them next year"(s) followed by one "stop being such a pussy!" I don't know if I'll ever recover from this, if you don't hear from me in a few days someone start planning the funeral.


ps - In lieu of flowers, make a donation to Irving Longface.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them...

Awesome site HowStuffWorks.com has come up with the absolutely awesome idea of putting together a real life A-Team. On Craig's List (Los Angeles, of course), the HowStuffWorks people posted a message saying they were a reporter from LA whose friend was kidnapped in Mexico while working on a story about drug runners. The post said the authorities were no help and they needed a team of people to help get the friend back.


"I'm looking for a crew of four - a pilot, a veteran with leadership qualities, a bouncer-type who knows his way around a welding torch, and a face-man. Crack commando experience a plus. Own van and car a plus. Access to cropduster a definite plus...Gunplay ok but please no deaths."


The true genius of this idea can only be appreciated by reading the responses they have received. To top it off, the HowStuffWorks people sent out a questionnaire to the most promising candidates. You'll laugh your ass off, so check it out.
Finding the A-Team: A Stuffo Experiment


Can a crew this badass be replicated?

Dear Demi, I Win.

While Demi Moore probably thought she was quite the hot shit for picking up teenage idol/talentless moron Ashton Kutcher, her ex, the honorable Bruce Willis, has certainly seized the upper hand. Apparently, king pimp Willis and teen slut Lindsay Lohan had their hands all over each other after a screening of the Bruce's new, and prolly piss poor, flick Hostage. From all us here at One Man Invasion, congrats Bruce, you're the true measure of a man.

Jews Hate Geeks

The Israeli Army believes soldiers who play Dungeons and Dragons are unfit for elite levels of the army and are automatically given low-level security clearance. YNet recently reported that an Israeli military official acknowledged that D&D players are discriminated against and quoted the offical as saying, "These people have a tendency to be influenced by external factors which could cloud their judgment. They may be detached from reality or have a weak personality - elements which lower a person's security clearance, allowing them to serve in the army, but not in sensitive positions."
When contacted by One Man Invasion, the official clarified his position. "Hezbollah and Islamic Jihad play GTA, SOCOM, and Halo," he may or may not have said. "We can't have our boys thinking about 12 sided die, while crazy Muslims are blowing themselves up in crowded discos."
Upon further questioning, the Israeli official ruefully admitted that he did see the D&D movie. "Yeah, I only went 'cause I like Marlon Wayans," he said. "Scary Movie and Requiem for a Dream were good, but I had no idea what a piece of shit D&D was going to be. Actually, watching that movie prompted our inquiry into this faggy shit."

Brother of Longface

The brother of Irving Longface has been spotted in Mobile, AL prowling the streets. Whether he's just keeping his ear to them or desperate for food, we don't know. Judging from his webpage, we can't quite tell. Make your own decision -- Colin's Web Page.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

The Man, the Myth, the Legend

Simply put, David Hasselhoff is a genius. In Knight Rider he had a talking car that kicked ass. In Baywatch he was the head honcho of a harem of hotties. In Germany he's a singing sensation and he actually performed at the Berlin Wall, and had a hand in bringing the Wall down. How did Hasselhoff obtain this good fortune. Is he the wicked spawn of Old Scratch himself?? Has he mezmerized the world public somehow?? Apparently, it's both.

David Hasselhoff is the Anti-Christ

The Hasselhoffian Recursion

Pimp My Life

Trouble understanding the opposite sex? Getting no love from the ladies? Worry no more, gentlemen. Vice Magazine, the seminal alternative magazine, recently published their Sex Issue, so throw away your Maxims and FHMs because the undisputed truth about chicks has been revealed. The Vice Guide to Picking Up Chicks is a comprehensive study of how to be Don Juan to the lady of your choice/dreams. The guide touches on the perils of the 'Friend Zone,' the power of the 'Must Have Her' chant, and why no honkeys get latinas. If you plan on chatting up and fine (or average, see 'Fuck a 5') chicks, I suggest you stop waiting for Hitch and check it out. I heard Hitch is Carson Kressley's bottom anyway.

"Even if women are from Venus, they still want the penis."

-- Former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Blowin' up like you thought I would

Every Tuesday the Black Table puts out a reader submitted list of reviews on topics various and sundry. While this weekly standard would normally not be worth a mention, this week's edition is special. Why?, you ask. Because one of my reviews is in it, I reply. Check it out The Black List at BlackTable.com. Holla at ya boy.

Cometh the man, Cometh the hour

One Man Invasion's brother-in-arms, Irving Longface, keeps the world abreast of developments in the South. Imbedded in Birmingham, Longface tracks social, political, economic, religious, and military trends throughout the region. Check him out on the link to the right, or right here --- Irving Longface - The Early Years .


Jacob (stop), Longface, moi, Burbach (Cards suck) 

Delaware Screwed Over

Recently I got a book listing in detail the most beautiful and exciting places on our planet. 1000 Places to See Before You Die was given to me in advance of my mission in Romania and the first thing I noticed was that Delaware gets screwed over. Described as "the world's premier museum of 17th- through 19th-century American antiques and decorative arts," Winterthur Museum represents our lone entry into the top 1000. Obviously the idiots that put together this book did not take a thorough tour of our state because they left out a few places that should be in the top 100 let alone the top 1000. Without further ado here are my picks for Delaware's gems: 92 E. Main Street Newark (1st place Witham puked amongst other things and my college home), Swedes Street Dewey (Mcconnell + JZ), Videre Dr/Resurrection Church (home of high school sex and booze). Any others I missed? Comment please.

The University of Delaware Bullfighting Ring, another best of DE

What do Lou Ferrigno, Cindy Margolis, Mr. Belding, and former world heavyweight champion Larry Holmes have in common?? If you're being gracious, you may say D-List celebrity status, but lo and behold there's more. For the bargain price of $19.95, you can have these powerbrokers personally telephone anyone of your choice. Need a birthday present for that special someone? Have a friend that needs a motivational speech? Look no further than HollywoodisCalling.com. As you peruse the site, the list of possibilities is endless as long as you're willing to slap down a crisp 20 spot. While it may seem a bit much, man cannot live of Saved By the Bell residuals alone.

He's on Tilt





Late last week I get an email from no other than Matthew Witham. This was not only surprising because he never sends email, but also because he accomplished something with his life other than gambling online and attending his one class he has. Unfortunately, the good news ends there. The reason behind the email was not to keep up w/his friends or to tell us a good story, it was to forward out email adresses to Veuve-Clicquot Champagne Co. so he could get a free case of champagne. The email stated if you sent an email to 10 friends and also sent the email to Veuve-Clicquot.fr.co or something, Veuve-Clicquot would quickly contact you about how to ship you a free case of their champagne. I found this hard to believe, so I went to the Veuve-Clicquot web site and after clicking on a large, conspicuous link, I came across this message:

A promotional deal is currently on the Net regarding a free offer of a case of 6 bottles of Veuve Clicquot champagne. This is a hoax, totally beyond our control; and, of course, we are not the author. We do not gather any e-mail nor build up any database.We strongly condemn the author of this hoax and hope that it will end.
Yours sincerely, Veuve Clicquot

So thanks to Witham, several of our friends' email addresses are apart of some massive spam network. While that does suck, the humor of Witham's folly is just too much. Matthew is supposed to be planning a trip to Europe w/Jake this Summer. The two plan on staying with and visiting many of the Witham's friends who still live in Europe, but so far Matthew has done absolutely nothing to let these people know of his intentions. Jake doesn't even have a flight booked yet because he doesn't even know exactly when they plan on going. Jake has expressed his growing concern over the future of this trip b/c absolutely nothing has been planned, let alone discussed. Witham doesn't have initiative to call or email Jake, yet Matthew has no problem emailing us hoax emails so he can get himself a case of champagne. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Monday, March 07, 2005

Your Mission if you should accept it...

Enrich the minds of Romanian youth to prompt a great leap forward. Facilitate by teaching the children English and with wild tales of American greatness and grandeur. Orientation begins May 23, training in Romania begins May 26. Other mission details to follow...